I should quit blogging about home ed, Pathological Demand Avoidance and PanKwake. It seems that every time I write a blog on a topic…Fate thinks that is a license to test my resolve. The day when I talked about how meltdowns would never completely go away…PanKwake had the worst one she has had in weeks, maybe months. Then yesterday with my trust and keeping your promises…we had to take her out for ice cream…in the pouring rain.
You know what they say…
Practice what you preach!
Today, I am going to draw all those strategies back together…mine and the ones from the PDA Society.
- Know Thy Child
- Trust – Keep Your Promises
- Respect Thy Child
- Don’t Take It Personally
- Choose Your Battles
- Treat Every MOMENT as a Fresh Start
- …And ALL the rest.
All of them come down to just one thing…don’t parent by a formula, a book or website. For goddess sakes, don’t parent the way your parents did it or the way that society demands. Don’t even listen to the PDA Society or me.
Follow your heart. Your gut instincts about what YOUR child needs. Because it all comes down to…
No two children with Pathological Demand Avoidance…or autism…or even neurotypical ones are the same.
You, my friend, have the biggest challenge in the universe…to love them all the same…and differently. To give to each that which he or she needs.
Even if you don’t have other children, you still must balance your job, your partner and yourself with your child’s needs.
Let me tell you another secret…
You will NEVER get it right. Not completely anyway.
Which is why parenting from relationship is so important. Because then you can apologize and get on with things.
Yes, I said apologize to your child. You can’t expect him to say he’s sorry if he never hears you say it when you have hurt him.
The three most powerful words in the |English language is not…I love you. They are in fact…
I am sorry.
Because without those three then the others make no difference. That old saying…
Loving someone means never having to say I’m sorry…
Is total and complete BU!!$^it! Loving someone means always saying you’re sorry when you are in the wrong. Admitting that you did or said or did not do something that hurt the other person is a mark of maturity. And not something that can be forced upon you. That is just how good relationships works.
When you parent out of relationship…by learning what YOUR child wants and needs…by respecting their individuality…and building a solid foundation of trust…well it takes times. There is no short cut. No instant fix. You are in this for the long haul.
But the results are remarkable…
A HAPPY child.
Honestly, I think that ALL children deserve this type of parenting. It is just that our Pathological Demand Avoidant ones have x-ray vision to see into the heart…telepathy to read our minds…or maybe just a virtually 100% accurate BU!!S^IT-o-meter?
They will not tolerate rules or people who do not make sense…who are not genuine. And to me that makes them the greatest gift to this f-ed up world at this time in history.
We often use humor to diffuse situations at #HomeCrazzyHome. And one of my favorites in those moments when I am exhausted and PanKwake is demanding…those moments when I am most tempted to throw all this out and just place my needs first for once…then I tell her…
You’re a pain in my b^tt.
She smiles and replies,
Yes, Mommy, but that is my job. To be a pain in the b^tt…and change the world.
I believe and others like her will too. My purpose in writing this is not my ego or even to make money. My purpose is to share the insights that has made our lives easier. The experience of six children…two of them special needs…and a life time.
My true purpose is taking my precious free time from doing the things I want to do…to share all of this honestly and openly…even our dirty laundry…is so that others may learn the importance of…
Relationship Parenting Your Pathological Demand Avoidant Child…
And we can build a little army of warriors like PanKwake who really will change this world.
Don’t you think it needs it? I do…enough to put my needs and wants secondary to build a strong, confident and HAPPY child who won’t take ‘No, You Can’t’ for an answer.